My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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