I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
