I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
When did angry sex become our thing?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
