I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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