just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
