I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
