i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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