meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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