I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
The cops high fived after they tackled you
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
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