Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
