People with herpes should wear stickers.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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