there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
