You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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