Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
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I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
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Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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