alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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