She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
