I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
