there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
