I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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