just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
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