Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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