Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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