i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
