Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
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on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
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