She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
sarcasm needs its own font
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
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