You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
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well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
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You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
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