You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
