I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I think my moral compass just broke
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
