i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
