I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
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