Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
