i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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