I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
