I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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