Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
