Can Purell be used as lube?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
