mondays should just be called national damage control day
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
