Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I have already put on my inside pants.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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