the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
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