i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
