he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
