I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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