someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
