Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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