I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
So much rum. So many feels.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
