can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
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I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
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I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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