i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Randomize
