GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
