I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
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I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
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I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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