The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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