I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
