It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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