he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
