You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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