1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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