Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
